Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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