My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
