Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
