I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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