Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
