They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I look better un-naked...
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
