I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
