you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
