Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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