I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
