I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
