I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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