so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
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