If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
