And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
