I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
