From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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