I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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