If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
