Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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