If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize