I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
