It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize