Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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