i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
This toilet bowl is my home.
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