i may or may not be watching the land before time
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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