My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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