Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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