fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
