I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
