Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
