Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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