dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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