I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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