Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
