In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize