At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
