Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
