Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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