You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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