drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize