genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
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I need you to use more vowels.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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