Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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