Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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