Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
