My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
