Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
