my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
