Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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