so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
