If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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