never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
