I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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