my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
