Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
