i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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