Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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