VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
