did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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