I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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