I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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